haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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