I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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