Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
