the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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