My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
