my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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