Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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