Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
smell my finger.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
