there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
