Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
