She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I need moral support for this bender
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
