Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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