The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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