If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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