I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
