So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
