I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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