On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
