He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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