i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
