At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
