Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
