And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
