my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
