There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
