We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
