I'm jealous of your bromance
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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