I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
