I'm jealous of your bromance
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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