the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
