Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
