you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
