I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
