Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
