Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
