We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
