Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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