Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
