Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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