I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
