They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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