I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
