I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
