She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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