i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
