She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
