she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
