I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
