Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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