I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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